Deeply Disappointed

The surgery to remove the cancer on my right vocal cord happened on June 29 -- but it didn't happen, too.

I was put under -- a difficult task for me and for the anesthesiologist. See why at http://www.asahq.org/publicationsAndServices/Difficult%20Airway.pdf.

The anesthesiologist wanted to prepare me for an "awake intubation" which is much more difficult for the patient and the doctor than for an intubation while asleep. The danger was that if they put me to sleep and could not intubate they might not be able to wake me up. So we did this before entering the surgical suite:

1. A nasal spray to deaden that airway.

2. Gargle and swallow increasingly thicker doses of Lidocaine. This is a local anesthetic. The purpose was to deaden the tongue, throat, mouth and all that makes up the airway. This would allow the intubation with relatively less discomfort.

3. Pray that all would work. Pastor Rick Story, a pastor affiliated with Voice for Jesus Church, was at the bedside as I gargled. So were Sylvia and Cathy.

4. After another examination in surgery the aneshesiologist decided to try a regular intubation. "We can breathe for you, I am certain," he said.

So all that nasty Lidocaine was not necessary, after all.

I went to sleep hearing the surgeon and the anesthesiologist discussing what they would do. I woke up alone in the recovery room. Sylvia and Cathy were quickly summoned. I was okay. I had survived. But I could see in their eyes that something was amiss.

It was Cathy who told me. Sylvia said later she would not have been able to hold back the tears.

The surgery was not successful.

Dr. Hogikyan had not been able to reach all of the tumor, either. So he decided to remove none of it rather than just get a piece. The disappointment was like a blow to the stomach. But upon reflection I felt confident that God's hand was still in this and I am just along for the ride. He has the controls.

My main reactions were anger and shame. Anger at myself for thinking I was bullet-proof and that all those warnings against smoking were meant for other people, not for me. Shame because of what I was putting Sylvia, the kids and all those who love me through. It took some serious prayer before I could forgive myself een though Sylvia had already said I was forgiven.

I will have to have radiation therapy. And I will praise God that this was caught early enough!